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paulftompkins:

A bad deal!

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usa-buzz:

Kevin Winter / Getty Images

What’s your wallpaper on your phone and/or computer?

My laptop wallpaper is a nice green leather pattern, like you’d see on the benches in Parliament. You know, THAT. And my phone background is a nice blackwatch plaid. That seemed the most phone-y tartan to me.

When you walk into a bar, what do you typically order?

Beer or whiskey. I actually drink red wine the most these days, but there’s something truly disgusting about most bar wine. I didn’t drink wine for years because my only experience with it had been comedy club wine. Then, in my thirties, I went out to dinner at a nice restaurant and my friends ordered wine and it was good. I was stunned. Maybe the key is not wrapping the bottle in Saran wrap at the end of the night? And keeping the same bottle for two months? I don’t know, I’m no James Beard over here.

What’s the one word you are guilty of using too often?

I tend to say “Yeah” three times in quick succession when I am indicating to someone that I understand what I am hearing. “Yeahyeahyeah.” When I hear myself say it, I cringe, because it happens a lot, and also because it kind of sounds like, “Please shut up now.” Which is probably what I’m saying.

What is the last thing you searched for on Google?

The REAL killers (no results).

Who is the last person that called or texted you?

My wife. WHAT A LETDOWN, BUZZFEEDERS. Nothing against my wife, obviously, but of course that’s the last person who texted me. I wish I had a more prolific text relationship with several Twilight cast members, but it’s only once or twice a week.

What was the last awkward situation you were in and how did you handle it?

When I realized a popular website tricked me into writing a bunch of content for them. I responded by falling for it.

When is the last time you went to a theater?

Last spring. I was in London doing standup and on a day off I saw a play called Peter and Alice, starring Ben Whishaw and Judi Dench as the real-life inspirations for Peter Pan and Alice in Wonderland, meeting in a bookstore. It was delightfully sad.

What TV show should everyone should be watching?

I love the Danish political drama Borgen, which is an excellent show with an amazing lead in Sidse Babette Knudsen as the Prime Minister of Denmark. Bonus: it’s subtitled, and sometimes a perfectly innocuous image will be be paired with a subtitle that accidentally renders the frame hilariously bleak. (see attached)

And what is your TV guilty pleasure?

I REGRET NOTHING.

What’s the first album you bought?

La Grande Storia del Rock, which had the Beatles on the cover, and so I thought it was a Beatles album. But one side was The Beatles backing Tony Sheridan on junk like “My Bonnie” and the other side was a bootleg of some Cavern Club set that sounded like someone was outside the Cavern Club holding a portable tape recorder up to a drinking glass which was being held up to a wall of the Cavern Club. I was in 8th copy on the album sleeve not being in English should have been a major tipoff.

What music are you currently listening to?

Dark Comedy by Open Mike Eagle and The Both by The Both.

What movie makes you laugh the most?

The Wrong Guy starring Dave Foley. You gotta check it out. So much great stuff.

What is the one food you cannot resist?

Pizza. Congratulations to pizza for being the Best Food of All Time for two hundred consecutive years!

What drives you absolutely crazy?

Littering! People! COME ON! ESPECIALLY QUIT LEAVING GUM ALL OVER THE GODDAMNED PLACE. AND ADULTS, STOP CHEWING GUM, WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU.

Pick one: Kittens or puppies?

Kittens. It’s a tight race, but kittens have the edge because puppies go through that biting thing where they gnaw on your hands when you try to pet them.

New York or Los Angeles?

Los Angeles. The end!

Comedy or drama?

To perform: comedy. To watch: drama.

Bacon or Nutella?

Bacon, although I do admire Nutella’s attempt to trick moms into thinking smearing some chocolate paste onto bread is somehow a healthy snack for your child.

’80s or ’90s?

They’re both pretty gross, but 80s pop music was just bananas. 80s it is!

Hannah Montana or Lizzie McGuire?

Exaaaaaaactly.

And finally: tell us a secret.

[inaudible]

You can watch Paul’s series Speakeasy here and his latest episode (featuring Breaking Bad’s RJ Mitte!) right here.

(via paulftompkins)

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clickholeofficial:


5 Tragedies Weirdly Predicted By Adam Sandler
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Justin never ever responds to texts quickly EXCEPT AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIMES

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EVAN JAMES DUFFY’S REVIEW OF GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

BEFORE:

AFTER:

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Sometimes I accidentally type “me” instead of “my”. Sometimes it makes me laugh.

Sometimes I accidentally type “me” instead of “my”. Sometimes it makes me laugh.

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(Source: slugsolos)

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BTW, all the best X-Files writers — Vince Gilligan, Darin Morgan, Glen Morgan & James Wong — favor Scully over Mulder, even when she’s wrong, because Scully rules and Mulder drools. 

The (arguably) best X-Files episode — Jose Chung’s From Outer Space — even goes as far as making Mulder a gigantic asshole and buffoon, planting false memories in a traumatized girl’s head for his dumb crusade. 

Making it so Mulder always had to be right was a huge chain around the shows neck and was a huge factor in finally sinking it, I think. 

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almostwhiteandblack:

the x files 5.12 bad blood

Written by muthafuckin Vince Gilligan.

(Source: donnamartharose, via afternoonsnoozebutton)

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brianmichaelbendis:

Hellboy and Batman by Mike Mignola

This is like a map of my brain.

brianmichaelbendis:

Hellboy and Batman by Mike Mignola

This is like a map of my brain.

(Source: cherryzombiegirl, via pantyhouse)

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The only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools.

Tek War!

The only books we have are ones that were banned by other schools.

Tek War!

(Source: fyspringfield.com, via fyspringfield)

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This one hurts me.

This one hurts me.

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It’s no secret that I love this random facebook status generator thing, but folks, this one made me literally LOL.

It’s no secret that I love this random facebook status generator thing, but folks, this one made me literally LOL.